I’ve been home a total of two days and already had one crisis about the future. Welcome to the post-grad life. All that confident talk about waiting to see what God has in store for me, how I’m willing to follow and be obedient and be faithful until things start to happen is true, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to have small meltdowns every once in a while.
We were making cookies, my mom and me. The short days make everyone sleepy, and we’d both been fighting sleepiness more than usual. Also, it turns out that yesterday was the shortest day of the year. Yes, this does make people more melancholy and woeful than usual.
We were cutting out sugar cookies, because those are the most sentimental of all the Christmas cookies for me. She was holding the parchment paper while I rolled out the ball of dough right on it. Then we’d cut out the cookies and peel away the extra dough instead of moving the cookies. It was making for fewer fallen angels and dopey trees.
It had only been one day of not having purpose and not knowing what’s ahead.
“I’m just feeling like I need hope, like I need perspective about what’s coming.”
She got it. “It’s only been one day. You’ve got lots of things coming up. Christmas is coming. You’ll go back to Loft and work. You can follow up with the places you applied.”
She’s right. It helped a little. Sometimes it’s hard to fight how you feel though. My mind was starting to agree with her though.
“You just have to act yourself into a better way of feeling.” That works. She’d know, being a former counselor. If I act with purpose and create some structure where there isn’t much, that’ll help.
I still felt the melancholy though.
It didn’t help that my dad came in and told my mom about their plane ticket reservation. She’s going with him on a business trip. Over Valentine’s Day weekend. Somewhere warm. It makes sense – someone should actually enjoy the warmth while he’s in meetings. I just graduated. I don’t get vacations yet. I wouldn’t spend Valentine’s Day with my parents anyways. It’s not like it’ll be much different that they aren’t there.
We kept rolling out the cookies and putting sprinkles on some. Rolling out cookies is a process. We’d only made a half recipe, but it took a couple hours to get them all cut out and baked.
Today I ran errands, created purpose in a day where the only thing I had to do was go to church for a short rehearsal for Christmas Eve. I braved traffic to the post office, went to meet my new boss and offer all my hours, grocery shopped with everyone and their grandma, and went to the library.
I went to print something, but when the printer was busy, I found myself looking at the books. And then looking for books I’d heard recommended.
And ended up walking out with all of these.
Even though I’m already reading two books and won’t be able to finish these in just two weeks, most likely.
Well, maybe I can.
I told my dad that this is why I graduated college a semester early, to read whatever I wanted in larger quantities.
He laughed, but we both know it’s a little bit true.
Reading is a contribution to a future in publishing. And it give purpose. It’s like traveling to a warm place with someone you love but less expensive and more sedentary.
This is what I’ll be doing until I start working full-time. Thank the good Lord for public libraries.