Being over doing.

Have you missed me this week? I’ve missed me this week. It’s been one long to-do list. However, I still found time to bake brownies and scones, so I had a little fun.

There’s something about crossing something off my to-do list that is just so satisfying to me. Even if I don’t actually have a physical to-do list and don’t get to draw an actual line through anything, the knowledge that I’ve conquered one of the my stressors is enough.

Then I remember that there are still more things to do on the list, and it’s so easy to think that everything would be better if I could just fast forward through this time period where there’s so much to do and so much hecticness. A week from today sounds like the most glorious day in the world, because the to-do list is so much shorter and consists of much less stressful things. But really, the to-do list never ends.

I put so many “shoulds” on myself. Do you do that, too? I should have gone running this morning. I should have a cleaner desk. I should be working on homework all the time. I should not drink so much coffee. I should go to bed earlier. I should tell everyone I love them every single day. I should be smiley all the time. I should have coffee with more people. I should go see my professors during office hours more often. I should never have dirty dishes in the sink. I should have eaten that stuff before it went bad (I’m such a waster). I shouldn’t have spent any time doing anything but studying this semester. I should have journaled more. I should have blogged more often. I should have sent cards to my grandma every week.

By the end of it, I start feeling like a failure at being human.

But is being human about achieving? I think this matters. I think being human is more about substance than activities. Certainly, our substance will determine what we do, but it matters more who we are than what we accomplish. Usually when I ask people how their days are, they respond with what they’ve done. And that’s appropriate, but I hope that we don’t measure our worth by that.

Here’s what I have to say to you: Even if you get nothing productive done today, you still have value. I suppose this is more to remind myself than anything else, but that’s okay. My value comes from God. It’s not anything I earned, and it’s not anything that I can earn more of. Doing stuff often just makes me tired. Granted, I still need to do these things, but it needs to have its proper place. It isn’t how I determine what I’m worth, but it’s how I manage the life I’ve been given.

Immediately after typing this, I will continue to try to accomplish things, but I’m going to keep reminding myself that even if I get nothing done, I’m still worth something. And I don’t work to determine my value.

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