I keep looking back. The rearview mirror is perpetually before me, asking me to look deeper into it, to tell everyone what I see. I have a few blind spots into the past, but as I get farther from it, the easier it is to see what I left behind. Then I can evaluate and let it continue to shape me.
The only problem is that I shouldn’t do that. The only problem is that when you’re driving through life looking in your rearview mirror, you don’t look ahead.
It’s not all dark in the past, and that’s the problem. I’ve been blessed with many bright spots in my life, though I’ve certainly had a portion of grief that has made the journey a more formative one. Sometimes I’d like to be defined by who I was, by what I did. When you’re a college student, studying all the time and having time for just a few extras, sometimes you want to lean on who you were. Well, yeah I’m working for my degree and doing little else right now (except trying to find a place that hires just for the summer, do you know any?), but this is who I was. I’m proud of that girl. I did this and went there and cared about that and knew about that before you, I’m sure.
Chris Tiegreen has words for me:
“Our lives will be shaped not by our past, as the psychologists insist, but by our future, as our God insists. We will grow into the image He has given us.”
He’s talking about my future, the kingdom of God coming to earth, Jesus reigning.
He’s talking about a place and a purpose that makes who I was of little importance. It’s who I am today that matters and that I’m holding tightly to God’s hand as He leads me to become the person He wants me to be. Sure, the past is certain – though the perspective about it may change – but the future is the unknown, the determinable, the part that should shape my life.
I think God wants me to dream, not about where I’ve been and how proud or ashamed I am of that but about where He’s taking me, to let Him put His dreams on my heart and in my mind. I think He wants me to set aside any thought that I have that who I was matters and to take up the state of mind that it’s who I am that is my concern.