Stop and go and in between.

One of the best features about Pearl (my phone) is her ability to get me anywhere I need to go.  I may have mentioned before how directionally impaired I am – I know which way to go, but not right when I need to go that way.  It’s usually right after I pass the exit/turn/driveway that I realize it was where I wanted to be.

Funny how there are so many driving parallels to life.

I noticed something about myself today as I was trying to find my way to my hair appointment from my nannying job.  When I know where I’m going, I hate red lights.  Not many people like red lights, so that’s probably not surprising.  That feeling when you’re about 100 yards away from a light, seeing it turn green, then by the time you get there, it’s red.  Then you have to stop.  And sit.  And then when the light finally turns green, you’ve gotten on this cycle of hitting red lights, so you spend another two minutes at the next light.  And then another two at the next one.

It’s a horrible compounding system of wasted time.  Granted, I’m glad that we don’t just have to hope for the best when we go through intersections.  I’m grateful for the order that it provides.

On the other hand, when I don’t know where I’m going and Pearl is giving me directions, I’m grateful for the red lights.  It’s time to catch my bearings, read the street signs, make sure I’m not going onto a one-way the wrong way or something.  It’s time to pause.

I sometimes forget that the forced pauses – the red lights – are good.  That when I can’t do my homework because it’s at home and I got stuck somewhere else with time on my hands, it’s okay.  There must be something I need to think about or pray about.  Or maybe I just need time to sit and think by myself.  I’m such a champion of efficiency when I have a to-do list (except if cleaning my room is on the to-do list… then that’s an exception) that any unplanned break is an annoyance.  It’s a wrench in my plan that was going to help me get my homework all done by the time Bones came on.  It was going to enable me to go to bed at 9:00.  Whatever the lost benefit, it must have been something I didn’t really need.  Maybe I just needed that moment of peace.  Time to take a deep breath and remember that I wasn’t meant to hold my anxiety in.  I wasn’t meant to function on my own.  I wasn’t meant to bear burdens that I have no idea how to handle.

Or maybe it’s raining outside, and I just need to open the windows and let in the fresh, wet smell of renewal.

Ah, renewal.



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