Thoughts of the very late evening.

The last few months of my life just flashed before my eyes. And they were April, May, and June 2012.
This is going to sound so stupid,
but for about ten minutes, I imagined that I was dying.
It all started when I was getting ready for bed and saw some dark purple spots on the sides of my neck that looked a little too much like bruises. Instantly I thought of the part of My Sister’s Keeper where they find the bruises all up and down their daughter’s spine. And, of course, that made me jump to the worst possible conclusion.
I have leukemia.
Now, I don’t actually have leukemia or cancer or any sort. I just have a wildly overactive imagination that immediately chooses the path of the worst case scenario to think about.
So, there I was, taking a bath and thinking what if the purple spots don’t come off? What if I get out of this tub, look in the mirror, and see them, still there?
Then I pictured myself going to my doctor, feeling scared stiff. When they sent me the postcard for my 18-year-old checkup, I should have gone.
They put me in one of those paper gowns and have me breathe deeply while they place a stethescope on my back. Then they draw blood (which I lay down for, since I am prone to fainting) and tell me that they’ll let me know the results in a couple days.
The way this horror fantasy ends, I have to spend days and weeks in the hospital while I go through unsuccessful treatments.
I know this sounds like the dumbest thing to think about, the most unproductive use of brain cells, to worth about something so unlikely. (By the way, the purple spots washed right off.)
But it got me thinking, what do I want to do before I die?
And I’m not going to tell you all of it, because it just might involve you, telling one of you things I was too afraid to say in life – you know, the things that you really should say, but since you actually have to see the person day in and day out and you’re not sure of their response, you hold it in. There were a lot of those type things: apologies to voice, love to share, people I want to share about my relationship with Jesus with… and then there’s the dream of having something published that is widely circulated. I realized that if I got to do a Make-A-Wish, I would ask to write something for the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times, something groundbreaking, giving a voice to someone who has never had one before. My heart beats faster just thinking about it.
It’s so clichè to say that I want to live like I’m dying. And I actually don’t. I want to live life fully, but doing hard things and meaningful things even though I’ll still be around for the effects, backlash, or whatever comes from it. I want to live a John 10:10 life. Jesus came so I could live life fully. So fully, I shall live.
Look out, world.

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts of the very late evening.

  1. Pingback: Hearing appreciation day. « Journey to Who I Want to Be

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